A Day of Struggles

Today's workout epitomized yours truly out of her comfort zone. I can't even really put into writing all the things I felt today. But I guess I can start by saying I had high hopes and positive thoughts this morning, despite really knowing what I'd get myself into...

I had been excited and anticipating my first bike ride for months. Ever since I bought my bike back in September. But due to a number of circumstances -- tapering and preparing for my marathon in October, getting injured and needing to stay off the bike for about two weeks, being out of town for the Thanksgiving holiday... it just so happened that my first full-on bike ride would be during Week #4 of training: Today. Excited (and a little nervous) as I was, the day had arrived. A chilly 30-something degrees outside, I put on all my layers, pumped up my tires, put little insulated shoe covers over my clip shoes and cleats to keep warm, and prepared to hop on the bike. But something just didn't feel right.

Soon after the majority of the Team had left the parking lot, ready to do their bike marker set, a gigantic wave of anxiety came over me. I want to do this, but don't feel ready, I thought. I haven't even ridden my bike using the clipless pedals properly yet. How was I supposed to head out into traffic and up and down hilly terrain with such little experience? The only experience I had was falling over numerous times with nothing but the cuts, scrapes and bruises to show for it. Now this might sound funny, but a real fear hit me and no amount of positive thinking or perspective was going to bring me out of it.

After, yet again, a couple more falls on the asphalt... my body smashing to the ground repeatedly with my left leg literally still attached to the bike, and laying directly on top of me, I just got more and more frustrated and overwhelmed. This wasn't going to be easy -- at least not for me.

Yet to my surprise, and relief, Will, Kathryn & Phil stuck around with me and ever-so-patiently had me go over some mini-drills in the parking lot. Practicing leaning to one side, starting, stopping. I'd fall again and again and just couldn't get it. Will, an avid and expert cyclist, suggested I put on my running shoes and try riding on my clipless pedals, just to get used to riding a bike normally. So I put my cool (and seemingly IMPOSSIBLE) clip shoes away, and will probably keep them off for a while until I get comfortable riding in general. And then Will, Kathryn & Phil told me to ride normally and unclipped. By this point, my real mental wall hit. Never before had I even seen myself like this. I literally froze and couldn't do it. My body just wouldn't pedal. I wasn't attached to the bike, had perfectly comfortable (and familiar) shoes on, and I couldn't ride the bike. I broke down into tears out of frustration and didn't know what came over me. Why can't I do this? What is going on with me?

It was then that Will had another bright idea. To divide and conquer. Here I am, trying to focus on and juggle too many things at once. He pulled out his fluid trainer and set me up in a stationary position right there in the parking lot. Without having to worry about balancing or getting overwhelmed by having to do (and concentrate on) so much, I could at the very least practice getting on and off the bike (simulating starting and stopping) while stationary. After doing this about 10-15 times ~ and thankfully, while Kathryn and Phil joked and talked among themselves (which helped take away some of the stage fright on my end), I composed myself again and started to get comfortable enough to take the bike off the trainer and ride already.

After a few rounds in that same parking lot (the Livery in San Ramon will forever haunt me now), I just bit the bullet and said we needed to get out there. My three helpers had already used up enough of their precious time with me, when they could have been using it for their timed ride. So off we went. Into traffic, wind, the unexpected, and all. Will was again so kind to sweep and stick with me in the back of the pack. I got especially nervous when the bike lane would narrow out and I'd either have to go further out onto the street with potential oncoming cars, or hug the curb.

After riding alongside the cars for a good 15-20 minutes (which seemed like an eternity, as you can imagine), it was time to start our timed ride. Already a little winded, I went for it. The others rode off into the distance and I did my best to climb up those hills. We were on less of a busy street ~ which actually means the one or two cars that DO pass you are going 50 mph and jut out of nowhere. My timed piece was "only" about 4 miles or so, but I was just getting tired. Especially because I didn't have the advantage of being clipped in. It just didn't make for efficient riding. But I suppose it was the price I'd have to pay for wanting to avoid falling off the bike while climbing those hills for our timed marker. About 3 miles in, I was hurting. My neck was feeling strained, I most definitely didn't use enough BUTT'R, but most of all, my spirit and will to move forward was diminishing faster than you can imagine. As I neared the end of my marker distance, I was so relieved to just STOP.

After that, my body just didn't want to move anymore. I felt like a toddler, whiney and unwilling to do any more. This whole morning was most relatable to being on a roller coaster or ridiculously scary amusement park ride: I just wanted to get the h*ll off. It wasn't fun and I wanted it to be over. NOW.

This was probably one of the most disconcerting things out of the whole day, because I want to learn to love riding. I've heard, it's the easiest, and most fun sport of the three. But today just wasn't my day. And no matter how much positive thinking and self-talk I had done, nothing could change my mind. I was only so fortunate to have my three teammates by my side, who couldn't have been more amazing, supportive, patient & understanding with me.

So then... (yes, the ride continues) we had to head back. This time, we were descending ~ don't ask me how fast we were going because I'll probably say faster than a speeding bullet. As I saw Phil and Kathryn fly down the hill (and enjoying it), all I could picture was me flying over my handlebars and plummeting quickly to my death into a herd of cows somewhere (we were riding through a series of farms). I was just willing to cycle as hard and fast as I needed to ~ JUST to get back to my car. Just to get back to safe and familiar territory where I could get off my bike and PUT IT AWAY.

After almost getting side-swiped by two cars on the busy main road, we finally made it back. In one piece, I successfully finished the ride, and completed my 4-mile marker in about thirty minutes. And probably a total of almost 20 miles for the day. My teammates did awesome, and I couldn't be more proud of and happy for them. Yet I'm still left honestly a little shakey, and still in need to slay this dragon...

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Week #4 Workout Summary [Recovery Week]

Swim: 2 hours and 30 minutes
Bike: 2 hours and 30 minutes
Run: 1 hour and 25 minutes
Core/Strength: 0 hours and 20 minutes
Total Workout: 6 hours and 45 minutes